Wednesday, April 29, 2020

I'm Sick of This!!!!!!!!!

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired of it all.  If I hear the words: Covid-19, Corona Virus, hand washing instructions, hand sanitizer, Quarantine, Social Distancing, Stay-at-home Order, Alone Together ONE MORE TIME... If I have to keep meeting church members and friends via Zoom (if I got to keep hearing the word Zoom)... If I have to keep seeing celebrities and talk show hosts without makeup in their pajamas Zooming from their homes (or somebody's home) either singing or whining about having do their own hair and/or nails... If I've got to hear "Lean on Me" one more time as I'm making one more of those damn MASKS...!!! If I see another commercial with banks and big corporations lying about how much they're "there for us" or another commercial showing videos of people cooking, exercising or spending time with their children or each other (as if that's something unusual)... If I see another press conference; if I see and hear hear another choir, symphony or band singing from 'various locations' in "10" different squares; if I have to watch late-night TV and SNL without the laugh tracks; if I have to go to church one more Sunday via YouTube; if I have to see poor Dr. Fauci roll his eyes and try to clean up one more ri-damn-diculous statement that Mr. Trump let's fly from his mouth... If I hear one more heartbreaking story of a high school senior missing out on their well-deserved final-year experience...  If I hear the phrase, "our new normal..."--because this IS NOT NORMAL--I'm going to cry! Maybe I'm going to cry because I know I've got to hold on.

As a matter of fact, I'd just stopped crying which is why I decided to write this rant. I thought I was taking this in stride, staying home, and taking the precautions when I went out. I thought I was all right. I guess that my personal emotions of disdain for this whole situation and my feeling that "this, too shall pass"--which is seemingly further and further away--was getting the best of me. I guess I'm tired of being alone. Although my husband is out of town, we still talk and video chat.

Sick and tired as I am of all of this, I still count my blessings. I still have my job and I am able to work from home as well as receive my salary. My daughter, along with others are furloughed or laid off altogether. 

I am well.  When all of this started to go down, I had a nagging cough from a cold I had earlier. I was very self-cautious every time I coughed.  Fortunately, no one hassled me about it. That cough is long gone now, but it certainly was not a good look in this climate. I know a Sister from a church I grew up with who was in quarantine, but thankfully she gave the word that she tested negative, and will be headed back to her healthcare job. Unfortunately, we found out that my mother-in-law has the virus, and is now in the hospital in Louisiana.  She was previously in a nursing home, which has definitely not been the place to be for our seniors as of late (as if it really was at all). We can't go visit her, only wait for updates from the hospital via my sister-in-law who lives out there. So for now, we pray and wait and pray...

Sick and tired as I am of all of this, I know that I'm not as sick and tired of all this as our healthcare workers are. I know my emotions aren't weighting as hard on me as theirs are on them, especially those in the hospitals that witness patients dying alone. My heartbreak pales in comparison to those who have to share in the fear and pain of the women who are forced to give birth practically alone: without their spouse or partner or parent to be by their side.

My sick-and-tired doesn't hold a candle to the long hours, stresses of the job, lack of PPE and just being around the constant near deaths and deaths that occur on their watch. My heartbreak is a mere paper cut compared to the blood-gushing wounds our healthcare workers endure as they feel the helplessness of doing all they can, and feeling that it's just not enough.

Well, now that I've got that off my chest, I'll go to bed, and get ready for the last few days left to work from home and get ready to go BACK into the office Monday morning. I wonder how that will be in this new "atmosphere..." This will be a new atmosphere of wearing masks, having our temperatures taken upon entering the building and social distancing in a world of cubicles... now isn't THAT an oxymoron. I'll be ready to go as I hold on to the notion that:  this, too, shall pass.

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